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Claim: The Mississippi state legislature removed fractions and decimal points from the mathematics curriculum of public secondary schools.
Origins: First
Alabama tried to redefine the value of pi to 3. Then Kansas removed the requirement for teaching evolution in its public schools. We thought it couldn't get any worse, but then Mississippi came along and proved us wrong:
13 August 1999
Jackson, MS -- Bolstered by the state of Kansas' recent measure removing the requirement for the teaching of evolution in public schools, yesterday afternoon the Mississippi legislature passed a bill eliminating fractions and decimal points from the mathematics curriculum of all public secondary schools in the state.
"Despite the coincidental timing of the measure, this was no whim," asserted Mississippi state senator Cassius de Spain. "We'd had the issue under consideration for several months now."
The bill, which cleared the Mississippi Senate by a vote of "a lot" to "a little" (with "this many" senators abstaining) after some initial confusion over how many votes constitute a "majority," directs public secondary schools in Mississippi to emphasize whole number arithmetic in mathematics courses and orders the removal of questions involving non-integer mathematics from standardized state tests after 1999. The fate of percentages remains undetermined as educators attempt to work out an alternative scoring method for tests.
Judith Sutpen, chairperson of the Mississippi Senate Education committee, defended the legislature's action against charges that it was motivated by "controversial religious beliefs."
"This has absolutely nothing to do with religion," she told reporters at a press conference Friday morning. "We're simply seeking to make mathematics more accessible to schoolchildren by de-emphasizing the elements that so many of them find confusing. It makes no sense to try to train our students how to think logically, then present them with nonsensical concepts such as 'irrational' and 'imaginary' numbers."
Senate minority leader Cora Tull indicated that religion did play a part in the passage of the legislation, however, maintaining that "if cardinality is good enough for the Catholic church, it ought to be good enough for the children of the great state of Mississippi." She added that "'improper fractions' have no place in any respectable school system, public or private."
Freshman senator John Sartoris of Brookhaven elaborated on the reasons for his colleagues' support of the bill: "We're sick and tired of hearing about how everything in our culture, from art to entertainment to education, is aimed at the 'lowest common denominator' of society. We're took aggressive action to do something about it yesterday by eliminating that denominator."
School librarians expressed concern about whether they will be able to continue categorizing books according to the Dewey decimal system once the law goes into effect, but Jason Compson, chief librarian for the Greater Biloxi School District, opined that "anyone who couldn't beat that pinko Truman doesn't deserve a place of honor in our schools' libraries anyway."
Several senators indicated that an additional measure aimed at removing "irregular verbs" from English classes might be in the offing.
Courtship – it’s like currency for sex. The swooning, the movie/dinner dates, the gifts, the canoodling – all of this is used as bartering fodder in exchange for sex with the people who aren’t too drunk and lonely to give it out for free. However, as is the case with all kinds of currency, there are people out there willing to steal hard-earned romantic sentiments without ponying up the ass-play in return – leaving you broke, bored and sexually unsatisfied while they make intimate with the misunderstood, artistic kid down the hall that plays guitar. These people are guilty “pseudoing.”
Essentially, pseudoing, when broken down to its basics, involves taking in an individual, putting them through all the rigors of dating (the talks, the cuddles, the Gilmore Girls marathons) without providing any genital recognition in return. Basically, it’s like using someone to give you all the nice stuff involved with dating without any sex for their trouble. In most cases, the person doing the pseudoing (the pseudoer, -- usually, but not always, a girl) is having regular casual sex with someone other than the person they are pseudoing (the pseudoee).
Pseudo dating is a practice that dates centuries back. Some scholars theorize that the concept of pseudo dating spawned during the mythical Arthurian Era, when Queen Guinevere would use King Arthur for moral support, guidance, power and financial security while banging Sir Lancelot on the side. Since then, pseudo dating has become a common, yet unspoken practice.
Some famous men and women who’ve been pseudo’d include Mark Hamill, Willie Aymes, former president Richard Nixon, Tom Bosley, James Taylor, the fat chick from Wilson-Phillips, Lance Bass, both members of Hall & Oates, Rob Schneider, and, most recently, Jennifer Anniston.
The sad and tragic part of the whole pseudo relationship is that the pseudoee never realizes they’re being pseudo’d in the first place. Because of this, I’ve devised a short list of telltale warning signs as a public service. You’re probably being pseudo’d if…
• You find yourself “bumming it” on a Friday night in order to watch the TNT premiere of Serendipity • You find yourself picking up the person of your affection from their sex pal’s house • You lose countless hours of sleep by sitting on the phone listening to the person of your affection bitch about how they “just can’t win” with the person of their affection • You find yourself as the designated driver for this person and their friends as they force you to listen to them discuss all the people in the bar they would’ve liked to sleep with. • This person constantly calls you during the day to ask if you want to come over and take a nap together. No sex, just a nap • Your life resembles every character Jason Biggs has ever played in a movie
If any or all of these match some facet of your relationship, there is a good chance that you’re being pseudoed. But don’t worry – there are ways out. I find that faking your own death works pretty well. Once your pseudoer finds out you’re not dead, the fact that you live so recklessly adds an irresistible lust factor that’s bound to make them look at you differently. Another way is to become a complete whore. Hook up with anything and everything in sight. Let them know you’re more of a Judd Nelson than an Anthony Michael Hall. While there are many creative ways you can come up with to solve your pseudo problem. Whatever you do, take your time and have faith. Ridding yourself of your pseudo title is going to take at least as much time as you’ve already wasted earning yourself the pathetic reputation of being “the friend they could never hook-up with.” Loser.
